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Ten Tips To Become A Great Step ParentParents are parents – whether they are step, adopted or real (natural/ biological). Why then there is so much bad blood when step parents come into the picture. Why is it that the first thing that comes to your mind – and anyone’s as a matter of fact – when you mention step parents is discord, prejudice and hurt feelings? Are all step parents evil? Is there no reconciliatory ways which can ensure harmony between step parents and step children? Of course, there are. Look around you – you will find plenty of real life stories where step parents made a special place in the hearts of their step children. Check out how you could be a wonderful step parent by side-stepping (and thereby diffusing) some of the most potential emotional problems: 1. Look at it from the child’s point of viewUnless the child is a toddler, all children want their parents together. They do not see the problems that their parents have as sufficient reasons for separation. They never really accept the fact that their parents would never reconcile. The arrival of the step parent make the change permanent and the children see the step parent as the person who killed all the chances of reconciliation. Now you understand why most of the times, children are hostile to the step parent. So what do you do in such a situation?Be patient. That is the first advice. Secondly, you would have to make them understand that you are not taking the place of their real parent. You are a different person, and there could be love for all the three – you, the real parent (displaced) and the other parent. Hence, never insist that they call you mum or dad. Allow them to decide what they want to call you – and respect that. Reach out and focus on pleasurable things rather than establishing an order immediately. 2. Set ground rules with your spouseIf you are the step mum, you are in for more trouble than the step dad – unless the relationship was gradually opened up and the children accept you in their dad’s life. It is tougher for her because as the step mum she gets the house and the kids have it too – and hence there is a direct clash of interests. For a step dad it is easier because they do not have to really be there 24 hours of the day. Hence, some ground rules need to be set. Your spouse should be able to reset the rules around the house with the participation of the children – and make them understand that they are subordinate to the adult in the house (the step mum). They need not love her, but respect her is a must and they need to listen to the rules.3. Be fairChildren always recognize whether you are fair or not. Do not show your frustration in front of the kids. Look at every situation with indulgence and be fair. Also, never loose a chance to use positive reinforcement for good behavior. Always reward good behavior and ignore the bad as long as it is not very serious.4. Be on their sideLearn what they like to eat, where they like to spend their time, what interests them and get them things that would thrill them. It is difficult to hate or go against a person who always cooks their favorite cookies, or buys them the latest comics, or allows them to keep a cat as a pet. Try as much as possible to make their house a place where they want to be by making it comfortable to talk and be.5. Leave the punishments for the real parentReinforcement of the rules would always mean punishments when they are broken. Let the rule be that the real parent would name the punishment – at least until the step parent is not fully accepted. In this way, the children would not see the set parent as the enemy.6. Talk, talk, talkLearn to dialogue with your step children. This is one of the most effective way to break prejudice and build acceptance. Talk all the time with each one of the step children and listen deeply to what they say. Be there for them when they need you – and be aware that many times they would not ask for your help. You would need to volunteer it.7. Use participatory approach to solve problemsOrganize meetings with the whole family to decide how to behave in the face of any problem in house – whether it is regarding the color of the next set of curtains or where to spend Christmas.8. Do not compete with the real parentIn your anxiety to please the children and build a rapport, do not fall into the trap of copying their real parent. You need to stick to your own personality, build new traditions in the house, and obtain a separate, yet very important place in the children’s heart.9. Do not badmouth the real parentWhatever be the reason of the divorce and whatever be the flaws in the real parent – never ever berate her/ him in front of the children. Even if they are the worst possible human beings, it is not your place to make the children aware of it. As they grow they would understand things on their own. You would only need to help them discover you and your love for them.10. Be genuineIt is difficult to love any child instantly. It would take time for you as well. The best thing you need to do during the time you are busy building a relationship is to be genuine. Do not shower them with excessive love, if you do not feel it; do not be overly attentive, nor volunteer too much advice. Let the bonding come by naturally; in the meantime, you be your genuine self. It is said that animals and children know when you are faking and when you are true. So unless you are genuine, you would never be able to pick up any serious bonding. | |||
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