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Impact on Divorce on Kids. How do Kids Handle It?Divorce for any child is an ugly word. Every child dreams of a perfect family of a mother, father and themselves living happily ever after. The fact that they would have to live with only one parent comes as a shock to most children even when the divorce is peaceful. Children hate divorces always. There might be only one exception when one of the parents abuses the other physically and this is visible to the child. At these times, the children tend to take the side of the parent who is dominated and wish that she/ he were protected. At these times, sometimes, the children welcome a divorce or separation from the abusive parent. What Do Children Feel About Divorce1. Guilt - Without any logic or base, the children take it upon themselves that the break up is due to them. There is something in built with children that make them think usually that they are the reason of their parents unhappiness and unwillingness to live together. Though it sounds crazy, this feeling is real and needs to be addressed very carefully.2. Not loved anymore almost all the children feel unloved and abandoned when a divorce happens. They think that if their parents loved them they would not separate and hence, none of them (parents) love them (children) anymore. 3. Responsible since divorce tends to be traumatic to the parents, the children feel it is their responsibility to take care of the grieving parent and with this thought they often mature emotionally almost overnight. Even when the parent is strong, it is often that the teenagers make it their responsibility to support the parents. 4. Torn apart when divorce happens the children would have to go one way or the other. It does not matter which way they are supposed to go according to the law they would always feel deep conflicting feelings for the parent who is left alone. Even when the parent is abusive (other that sexually abusive) the children tend to feel sorry for the parent who is left out. The feeling that they have to choose has a very negative impact on them. 5. Highly emotional during the divorce and a long time after (sometimes carrying into their adulthood) the children would be highly emotional about certain things in relationships. Like they would be distrustful that everything would always be well; that relationships can last forever; friendship can last forever, etc. They would either be clingy and seek emotional support from all their relationships, or look at all relationships with a good amount of scrutiny expecting it to end at any time. What You Can Do To Help Your Children1. Reassure them - First of all the children should know from both the parents (as much as it is possible) that the divorce is definitely not their fault. They need to be explained that their parents are divorcing for matters that do not directly concern them so each can seek happiness elsewhere.2. Love them both the parents should take extra care to ensure their children understand that they would always enjoy the same relationships with them (i.e. being their mom and dad). Nothing would ever change that. No matter what the problem in your marriage, the children should be assured of your love one hundred percent. 3. Explain to them before hand Wondering how to tell your young children about divorce? Have the children involved before hand in the course of the divorce. Let them understand why it is happening, what would happen afterwards and allow them to participate in decisions that directly concern them. Beware that children might not be able to see financial issues as clearly as you do. Another pitfall might be that children might like to side with the parent they feel is weaker and this might not always be in their best interest. 4. Be available both parents should be available to their children to talk before and after the divorce. Being available eases to a certain the anxiety that children feel about the loss of a parent. Talk to them over phone, email or meet them in person. Do not use these meeting however, to run down the other parent or play with their (childrens) emotions. 5. Share parenthood you might not be spouses any longer but you are still parents and you will be until death. Share the parenting as much as you can. Allow the children to mix freely with the other parent and encourage them to feel as normal doing that. Do not sulk if they want to go for the vacation to the other parent. At the same time, do not be over indulgent and try to buy their loyalty. Children are very astute at this and they would willingly play one against the other to get the best of both worlds if this is the case and in the meantime acquire some very undesirable traits. Divorce is a very painful phase for any child. However, it is also a very necessary thing at times when two adults do not see eye to eye on the majority of things. Often a divorce is better if the house is always torn apart by quarrels, physical abuse and disrespect. Whatever be the reason of divorce, children need to be protected from being hurt by it to the largest possible extent. | |||
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